#1

My beloved cat Biggie, suddenly got very ill and died. He was diagnosed with a lung tumor and was gone in 2 days. He’d always been sickly, but still, this was a shock. He was very doglike in his interactions with people and also actual dogs, and it’s been strange having people visit or call to cheer me up who themselves break down crying or getting messages from people who have him next to them in their profile photos… We called him the people’s cat. All this to say, I’m unable to shake off the grief and unable to stop crying and am generally finding this quite frightening. This is not my first cat or dog to die, but I’m really falling into a hole of despair. On top of this, we have to tell my 2 year old granddaughter who was his best buddy. So I thought I’d ask for advice from this finest of communities - about grief. The longer we live, the more we will have to cope with loss. Just wondering - about this being the downside of a long life. I’m 62, so more of this is in the works if I live the 20-30 more years I’m aiming for !

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#2

Yea this is so valid and I do think about this sometimes. The people who live to very old ages see everyone they’ve ever known in their lives die. I dealt with extreme grief from losing the people closest to me I could never imagine living without before the age of 40. I don’t want to think about losing everyone else as I get older.

That being said, I’d still rather outlive everyone than die first, even if it means living with the pain.

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#3

Is Grief similar to depression? I guess obviously with grief there is the loss and it takes adjustment. I still think the things that work for depression should help for grief. Get out and expose your skin to the sun, not too much but every day for as long as you can without causing damage.

Sorry for your loss, just my 2 cents.

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#4

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t remember the loss of beloved pets.
As we get older, I think most of us start to value life more. As with you, the more recent deaths of my pets have affected me more than they would have when I was young.
And the grieving lasts much longer. I still think about and miss a cat I lost ten years ago.

I would starve to death if I were a vegan; otherwise, I would be one. I think animals are much more sentient than we have given them credit for in the past. I am the first generation of my family not to be a farmer. My farmer relatives regard their livestock as “dumb” animals; I do not.

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#5

Sorry for your loss. The goal of longevity is to take everybody along for the ride so no one person is outliving everyone else and grieving like this.

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#6

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve deeply grieved all of my departed cats and dogs from a young age and each one in a unique way. My idea of heaven would be to be able to be with them all again playing in a sunny field. I’ve been getting mementos like paw prints or grave markers (since we moved to the country) to have something tangible and help a bit with closure.

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#7

Sorry for your loss. The loss of pets, for an animal lover, is difficult. My beloved cat died 3 years ago and still cannot bring myself to get another.

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#8

I swear this is the best community in the world. I sometimes wish I could actually meet you all outside this zone, the depth and breadth of knowledge and empathy is incredible here.

Biggie the cat was the last of three animals who have lived with me over the past two decades - I’m probably going to take a break and go live in Germany with my partner for a while. And travel.

And I will go out and get sun on my skin.

You all are truly wonderful. Thank you for your kindness.

Don’t our animal companions also contribute to our longevity? Immunity? Gut flora diversity?

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#9

I think about my grandfather, who lived to be around 87. Even in his later years, he was teaching children aged 8 to 10 basic algebra and science. He was guiding 15-year-olds through their career choices. He talked with everyone, neighbors, strangers, friends asking about their lives, their struggles, their dreams. He never stopped opening his heart or making new connections across generations. Yes, he buried friends,families, loved ones. He experienced loss after loss. And yet, he kept choosing connection & love over self-protection. I think he understood something that we know loss is inevitable, yet we love anyway. We know grief awaits us, yet we open our hearts anyway. that’s courage. That’s what makes us human. When this acute pain softens, you will find that Biggie has made you more capable of compassion, more understanding of others grief, more present to the preciousness of each moment with those you love. with all its losses, life is still worth living fully

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#10

What about your wife?

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#11

I was married for 53 years before cancer took my beloved wife. I cannot believe how lucky I was to find a soulmate. Of course I miss her every day.

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#12

I think I don’t want to survive my husband. Which is why I’m hellbent on HIS longevity though he doesn’t care nearly as much about doing what it takes. So sometimes I wonder if I should stop being so healthy. The idea of being alone in my last years is horrifying.

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#13

I’ve had 5 dear cats over the years and a couple of very intelligent dogs. The loss, when they leave, is great, and the pain is real. I was, to my everlasting torment, overseas when my closest cat, Ronny, was euthanased. I wasn’t with him in his last moments, and his body was taken away and disposed of, like a piece of rubbish. So I have no place to focus on for him. I never had children, so I can fully empathise with parents who have had a child simply vanish, with no grave to visit or tend.

All I can say to you is; I’m sure you gave Biggie the best life he could have had. That’s important. He knew this, too. Grief for loss is normal. Don’t beat yourself up over him…he wouldn’t want that.

When your heart has mended and circumstances allow, consider giving another cat or homeless animal a good life. They will be so appreciative.

Don’t worry about your grand daughter. She will remember him for a while, then forget, except for reminders in photos of times long gone. She has her whole life ahead of her.

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#14

This is so heartbreaking… I have my dog’s ashes, he was a huge fellow and we couldn’t bury him in our backyard, but his remains are in a nice box where I can see it every day. One cat is in the backyard - he was 20+ when he died. This one - probably because I’m older now - is incredibly hard to take. I was with him - luckily - because I got back from overseas 2 days before he died. It was very sudden though he was always a bit sickly. I can’t imagine how I would have felt if I hadn’t been there… this must be so awful. Time heals, but some things leave scars that really hurt. Ronny … I’m so sorry for that. I know it’s easy to say think about the years you were with him and not the end which was so wounding … It’s hard to push those things away.

It’s very moving to me how we feel, are feeling, each other’s pain this way. It’s helping me in a very real way and I thank you all for this. I hope it’s also helping all of you who carry the pain of lost animals, and indeed any loss - it feels very warm that there are such caring people in the world when the world’s been feeling very hard these days, unrelated to the loss of a companion.

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#15

This is a strange thing to say but : this whole conversation thread had reminded me that the world actually has some wonderful people in it. We have many many people who could be partners, soulmates, friends, companions…and even if we lose the ones we have - as @Jack09 said - life is still worth living fully. It is.

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#16

Grief all along the way – it is inextricably woven throughout our lives if we are lucky enough to love, or to grow old. My husband and I are basically healthy, and without pain, but we are diminished. And yet, we are so grateful. I often remember that line from the movie “Shadowlands”: the character played by Debra Winger knows that she is terminally ill, but in the moment she is happy. She says something like “the happiness now is part of the pain later, and the pain we know to come is part of the happiness now.”

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#17

My advice for dealing with the loss of a cherished animial - get a kitten or puppy as soon as possible. It will never replace the one you lost but it will immediately add a lot of joy to your life.

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#18

One thing that appears to be happening with me (I’m 71) is that grief is softening and becoming a little more philosophical - bittersweet vs devastating- I hope that holds as I get older - I had a psilocybin experience about three years ago that may have helped as well

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#19

You know, I’m very tempted to do that, particularly because I have not lived without an animal companion for - ever. But now I think I could also wait, spend some time with the grief and healing, then the good memories… and also without the responsibility of another creature. My children are grown up, my grandchild is not really a daily responsibility, maybe it’s time to wander the world. Biggie’s big presence makes his big absence hard to bear in the house.

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#20

For sure! I never did that but my son highly recommends it.